Snape: The Tease of Hogwarts
by Elfzilla
Summary: Everyone wants a piece of Severus Snape and he is willing to give it. Please R&R.


Snape walked into the Great Hall, his black hair messy and unkempt, his robes were wrinkled as well. He sat down at the Head Table near Professor McGonagall.

"Who did you fuck last night, Severus?" McGonagall asked, not looking at him but into her goblet. Snape raised his eyebrows, his mouth very thin.

"Not that it's any of you're business...but Sirius Black..." He replied, taking a sip of tea.

"I thought you two hated each other."

"It's a Love-Hate relationship. Very quid pro quo."

"He scratches your back and you scratch his?"

"More so he gets it up the arse and I do as well." McGonagall looked surprised yet disgusted at the same time.

"Well...Severus...um...I was wondering..." Snape sighed and rolled his eyes.

"For the last time, Minerva. I will not sleep with you. I would rather fuck Albus Dumbledore," he replied in a dangerous voice.

"YOU WILL?" Giggled the headmaster, looking up at Snape, his eyes glittering. Snape's eyes widened and he shuddered.

"No...no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no..." there was a long pause, "Maybe later, I'm meeting Remus Lupin...two more days till the full moon, so that means he's gonna be preeeetty randy."

"Oh yes...Vampires and Werewolves fucking...what a lovely thought," said McGonagall. Snape wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic or not cause she had a rather large grin on her face.

"I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!" Snape shouted.

"Oh yeah?" Said Dumbledore. "Then explain this!" He pointed to Professor Flitwick, who's snow white goatee was now black and pointed and his pale blue eyes were now a deep scarlet. He was wearing a black cape and was hissing and spitting.

"BLOOOOD! MUST HAVE BLOOOOD!" He bellowed in a squeaky voice, which sounded more funny than intimidating. Snape looked back at the headmaster, giving him a bored look.

"He could have gotten that anywhere..."

"Yeah?" Interrupted Professor Garletts, the Alchemy teacher. "I remember him and you going up to the Astronomy Tower two nights ago. I heard very funny noises, Severus. I even heard-" Garletts imitated Flitwick with a high pitched squeal, "'OOOOOOOOH, SEVERUS! BITE ME! BITE ME HARDER!'" A few students who sat closest to the head table began to giggle and point at their Alchemy Professor.

The corner of Snape's mouth twitched and he glanced at the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy blew a kiss at him and Snape hid his face behind a plate.

"What's the matter?" Asked McGonagall. "I thought you liked the Malfoy kid."

"FUCK NO! He bites down!" 

"Bites down on what?" McGonagall enquired.

"You know...BITES DOWN! Really hard! It fucking hurts like a Gryffindor."

"A Gryffindor?"

"Yeah...last time I have a tumble with Hermione Granger. She stole ten galleons from my wallet and took off...little Mudblood slut..." Snape growled, looking over to the Gryffindor table. Mary Sue Riddle went down and sat at the Ravenclaw table, her snow white hair tumbling down her shoulders, her blue eyes dazzling and her enormous breasts, bigger than her whole head were bouncing as she walked.

"Have you fucked the new girl yet?" Asked Flitwick, gulping down a glass of blood. Snape shuddered.

"Mother always told me to never fuck Mary Sues, cause they're likely to break through my rough exterior, get them pregnant and marry them and have several children all named 'Bob'."

"What about Marty Stues? The male version of Mary Sue."

"They're okay, cause they squeal like little girls when you shove it up their-"

"Juicy Peaches, anyone?" Professor Garletts offered, a bowl of ripe peaches in it. Snape shook his head and continued eating his sausage. He then gazed at two vivid red heads at the Gryffindor table. It was the Weasley twins who were pointing out the new broomsticks in a magazine. Snape, subconsciously began sucking on the sausage he was eating. Professor McGonagall noticed this and began looking in the same direction.

"Ah, yes...Fred and George Weasley...plan on seducing them next, Professor Snape?"

"Of course...who could resist a sexy beast like moi?" He took out the hair tie, holding back his thick ebony hair, took off his cloak and walked towards the twins, smirking dangerously. 


End file.
